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The 2022 Somerton Man Success Scoreboard to date ..

Some might think it a bit early to start claiming successes but there have been a few in January and February and rather then have them lost in the post list the view here is to put the spotlight on them, after all, the pickings are pretty slim elsewhere, yes?

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Jan 20 … The Barbour Thread Conundrum.

We hate to generalise but think that when most folks view this ^ pic they give the Barbour Thread a pass because WE ALL KNOW that’s what TSM used to repair his clothing. It’s a relationship thing, somebody might know a bloke weird enough to use industrial strength waxed linen thread to sew buttons on his duds, which is fair enough  … However, the ^ pic was done a day or two after the suitcase was found and some weeks before Prof. Cleland discovered what our man used the thread for.

Verdict: Someone got their timing wrong.

Inference: There was more than a policeman’s finger in the Somerton Man’s pie at a very early stage. Think the mysterious appearance of a box of Bryant and May matches, one of last year’s specials.

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Feb 3 … Detective Brown’s hesitancy in explaining how he matched the TS slip and the tear in the Freeman Rubaiyat.

Littlemore: So that was the book belonging to the dead man, presumably?

Brown: “Yes well, (clears throat) we established that it was the book er –”

Everyone ok with that for a definitive answer from a Detective Inspector? No? But there’s more …

“I took it at the time, to a paper expert in Leigh Street, Adelaide er he was wor(king?) – he was with Julius Combes (phonetic) who was the printers then,..”

We now know that Julius Combes (phonetic) was in fact Julius Cohn, and Jules wasn’t a paper expert, he was a leather and grinding man, like The Village People.

Funning aside though, we thought it a little strange for Brown to be asked to spare the time and take the slip and the book all the way to Leigh Street to have it examined by a worker in a leather shop, particularly when you consider that nobody showed the same investigative diligence when it came to fingerprinting the contents of the suitcase, or the Rubaiyat itself.

“and he examined the cutting and also the book and he er – was satisfied that it was the same paper texture and er – the same / and it was, it was, it did come from that particular book.”

Really?

Verdict: Tell it to the Judge, Brownie.

Inference: Police Superintendents are no match for saturnine TV presenters who keep contemporaneous notes.

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Feb 8 … We get inside 90A Moseley Street.

Well, the Real Estate agent did back in 2011 but we’ll take the credit for being the first to Google 90A Moseley Street for Sale.

Verdict: Too easy.

Inference: Imagination doesn’t come in pill form.

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Feb 12 … Buckets Wash House For The Use Of.

Ask yourself: if you were the Somerton Man and took a load of dirty singlets and jocks to the local washhouse how would they know who they belonged to when nothing was labelled? You know, when you show up a couple of hours later to pay and collect. Nobody has ever asked that question as far as we know. Well we did and we answered it as well.

They must have had a little book where they entered your name plus the details of all your dirty clobber, then they grabbed a numbered bucket, wrote that number on the same docket, dumped everything in it then sent it to the ladies out back to wash and scrub before putting it back into said bucket for collection. Check numbered bucket in pic.

Verdict: … Who needs a University degree?

Inference: … Not everyone is too dumb to be smart.

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Feb 13 … Professor Abbott’s cringeworthy 2015 Video Audio Presentation.

Everyone expects the good Professor to have his shit together, right? We, after all, are supposed to be the roughly educated, down-at-heel, no-nothing Somerton Man hangers-on who do little researching of their own and would prefer to harass the experts with rude words and disrespectful asides.

Not so.

In 2015 the Professor outdid us all, from having TSM exhibiting his ‘upper-class’ background by wearing a buttoned up cardigan under his coat when found to the exhibiting of a slide of what Abbott said was the actual copy of the Freeman Rubaiyat. As to where he got it from, who knows? DA didn’t tell and nobody in the audience asked. Pity there were no down-at-heel hangers-on with a ticket to that particular show.

Verdict: Engineering pays better.

Inference: It may not in your best interests to take whatever the good Professor says about the Somerton Body case as being wholly accurate.

~~

Feb 19 … Poison? What poison?

Glycoside was what killed him the experts thought, based on their certain knowledge that if it was glycoside then that’s the reason nobody could find a sign of glycoside in his body, which means it was and that’s when nearly everybody nodded and said fine with me.

Makes sense?

How can you accept that the absence of a poisonous something proves that the poisonous something must have been there otherwise there could be no other explanation for TSM’s sudden, mysterious and unexpected death?

Verdict: Read on.

Inference: Did nobody in Adelaide know the meaning of The Bleedin’ Obvious?

~~

Feb 23 … He might have looked a spunk but in reality he was as crook as Rookwood.

You’ve just walked out of a doctor’s surgery. You have a copy of his diagnosis in your pocket and when he shook your hand and said goodbye he looked like he meant it.

Because you have a massively oversized and congested spleen, acute gastric haemorrhage, extensive liver congestion, congestion of the pharynx, deeply congested stomach, congestion of the duodenum, renal congestion of both kidneys, a great excess of blood in the liver and signs of cerebral thrombosis.

Verdict: … It’s all over Rover.

Inference: … Book a plot.

Rookwood cemetery.

May 10 … Oh ! That ticket.

Here’s the body of a stranger in town, no name no ID, possibly murdered but with a train ticket in his pocket that says he was in a railway station the day before where they finally found his bag six weeks later but do you think the detectives used the ticket to find this out?  No sir, they did not and what’s more nobody noticed it until I did … so I’ve patted meself on the back, grabbed a handful of petty cash and taken the rest of the day off.

Verdict : We all are as dumb as we look.

Inference: Where’s Blind Freddie when you need him?

2 Comments Post a comment
  1. Matthew Kleid #

    Delightfully droll write up.

    February 24, 2022

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