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We rate the Somerton Man images .. updated

< — This is what he looked like. No argument. The pic taken not long after he was found on Somerton Beach on December 1, 1948.

Found and transported by ambulance to the hospital where he was examined and pronounced fully and completely dead then taken to the morgue for an autopsy.

Then he was re-dressed with probably just his shirt and tie and laid out for this photograph before being stripped off again and iced up.

But that’s not enough for some folks, and as a result we have accumulated quite an array of images some think better represent what the Somerton Man really looked like.

Number 27

Oh yes ... Meet Tibor Kaldor. He too is the Somerton Man can you believe it and according to the blogger whose name is best kept confidential otherwise folks might like to visit his site and discuss with him how two different men are the same man, as in check Pavel Fedosimov, and which, as far as concepts go, is only believable on a supernatural basis. But that’s not to say there is a likeness, except for the ears, eyebrows and mouth  .. and cheekbones, plus forehead. Trifling really.

Score 0 out of 10  .. how many times can a man lose but still be in the game?

Number 22

Why? Do we ask, would a bloke go to all the trouble to sketch up a scene that has been more than handsomely done by others more expert? Especially if the bloke has the drawing skills of a border collie. Look at the head and the drape of his coat, not to mention the half-mast trousers. This is so bad I found meself counting his fingers to be sure the sketcher hadn’t stuffed up on them as well

Score 1 out of 10  .. now make him go away.

Number 23

This is special even though a little on the hairy side but that’s ok because we dig artists and their work. Note the inscribed code  .. exceptional amalgamation of sources here, admirable. Dunno about the tie though, looks like the artist was in a hurry to get the job done and go buy more yellow paint. And is that a tear in the canvas? Somebody?

Score 7 out of 10 .. bonzer job. Kudos.

Number 24

You want to tell me what I’m doing here, Bozo?

Ooops! Wrong file.

Number 25

har har har  .. no, seriously, I mean har har bloody har! You didn’t know the old Somerton Man was a stoner, did you? And he was wearing a spaced-out shirt underneath his coat? Classic stuff.

Score 5 out of 10 .. and only because I have to respect the serious readers here.

Number 26

Tell me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t that look a little like Prof Abbott heading ashore with his lunchbox? Just how far out of town do you have to go to buy a pasty in Adelaide?

I don’t know what this artist had in mind but it involves the Somerton Man arriving in Adelaide on foot and by sea with his lunch in a cardboard box  … which is a brave concept and one nobody else has thought to invent. Which demonstrates what a rigid bunch of conformists we have become over the years. What suitcase?

Score 7 out of 10 because we like it when someone does crazy.

Number 19

Yeah, I know, number 18 is a full scroll down but who’s got the time?

Tell me, where did the bloke who drew this get the nose from? Look at that thing, you could shovel gravel with it. Where’s the integrity with these blogsters? All we want is something to go on. But, waitaminute, waaaaitaminute. What’s that at the bottom left of the shot? A half-smoked joint plus one for afters? Well, it’s no wonder whoever drew our man got it all wrong, besides, who leaves a number half done? Nobody I know.

Score 7.5 out of 10  .. we like the layout is why, and pass the dutchie to the left-hand side, ok?

Number 20

I’m almost too ashamed to exhibit this effort  … but, you know, when someone decides to collect objects there’s always bound to be a dud amongst them, apart from old Pavel. And I suppose the figure to his left  is integral to the set-up. But as to what it is I dunno, although there is a suggestion of feminine swellings under uniform top so I guess it’s Jestyn viewing the bust. Wow! How’s the realism?

Score 1 out of 10 .. if there was a heap this goes to the bottom.

Number 21

How good is this? He even has the pullover on. But you have to agree, the guy is a thug what with the Pentridge head-shave and popped nose. And we’re liking the shifty side-glance – like he’s waiting to have his collar felt. Scars, do we see scars here on the side-shot? Maybe he’s Dome’s baccarat pigeon after a strong session with the Lonsdale Street razor gang.

Score 7 out of 10 .. good art, that.

Number 22

It’s hard to know where to start here. On the positive side, they’ve got the nose and ears about right, but the head!  Then again, we know that Professor Cleland wanted all the interior matter spooned out of SM’s skull  so he could mount it as an office keepsake  .. so maybe the fellow responsible for number 22 knows a little more than we do and whoever did the head job forgot to glue back SM’s skull cap. But even so. One reassuring note is that he’s joined the homicidal eyes club.

Score 3 out of 10 … and that hair is so wrong.

Number 1

Number one has developed quite an outstanding head of hair and a slightly pugnacious look about the nose and eyes. His ears are wrong, mouth a little truculent and jowls too flared. He’s like the bloke in the pub who looks over and says, ‘Who are YOU lookin’ at, mate?’

Score of 3 out of 10  .. too punchy.

Number 2

For this one you get double, but we’re looking at the redhead on the right here which is a real problem because he wasn’t one. Not only that but for some reason the artist who created him has lifted the eyebrows as if Ginger is in some trepidation of something out of shot, plus everything about the head is too skinny and his nose is well out of whack. Bloody thing’s gone sideways.

Score of 2 out of 10 .. and he’s lucky to get that.

Number 3

Another double, however our interest lies on the left hand fellow, who in fact is the real thing. What we don’t want to know is how hard it would have been to dress a many months old part frozen and embalmed corpse into a shirt and tie. Ghastly work. The smell of decay attaches itself to the hairs of your nostrils and remains there for days. Your hands need a wire brush and carbolic soap to clean them.

Score of 10 out of 10 .. reality smells.

Number 27

Yeah, it’s out of order. So?

This is so utterly excellent. Not only do we have Number 1 on repeat but he’s had a hat stuck on his head so he looks more like Number 10. And if you think that’s good then remember that Number 10 is supposed to be Number 27.

Somebody out there needs help.

Score? Think of a negative number over 1,000, but it’s a 10 for laughs

Number 4

Forget the guy on the right – we’re looking at the psychopath on the left and what’s with the red hair on these creations? Seriously though, this bloke looks like he could be a suspect in who killed the Somerton Man, which could make for a tidy storyline. That’s a deadset squinty look here. Totally unnecessary in our view.

Score of 1 out of 10 .. get a real job

Number 5

Anyone have a problem with this? SM was found on a beach and this bloke was made out of the beach, ok? Studland Bay’s Knoll Beach in fact, got that? STUDLAND – like where else would Nick The Dome Pelling want to be seen in his sluggos because it was his son who put it all together.

But Dome must have been sitting back in his deckchair sculling pints and watching bikinis because he forgot to mention to the young fellow that his sand model needed a pair of ears and a nose, plus the cigarette should have been under his chin.

Score 9.5 out of 10 .. the kid’s got potential.

Number 6

How hard is it to tell that Mr Voshart here has done a lot of work for Hollywood? Because now we have old SM looking a little steamy with that up and under seductive glance. No wonder young Jessica was swept away. But we’re seeing a girly botox pout here and it’s not going down well. Voshy’s score is going to suffer.

Score 4.5 out of 10 .. man him up, son.

Number 7

Well may you ask, who the f..k was responsible for this travesty? This bloke’s got ears like batman and a nose like a lightbulb, and here we go with the red hair once more. I know SM had traces of colour but this bloke’s Ginger Meggs all over again. But hey, he got it published so it’s a winner there.

Score 2 out of 10  .. now find out who did it and shoot him.

Number 8

Yes, it’s Mr Voshart’s finished product and you know there’s going to be a movie and this is how our leading man will look. And what a Handsome Harry he is. That half-smile, the engaging lift in his lovely blue eyes, the firm chin and high forehead. His tie just a little skew-whiff and look! No red hair!

So breathtakingly lovely. We can see this pic framed and on good old Prof A’s mantelpiece any day now.

We do have some late news regards Voshy’s bank manager lookalike however in that he’s got the front teeth wrong, according to an unnamed source, and that’s all down to Prof Abbott’s duff advice the same source says .. something about missing incisors and incorrectly placed canines, a dog’s dinner in fact.
A man has to laugh.

Score 0 out of 10 because I’m not getting on that bandwagon.

Number 9

The old favourite. The one that should have had everything right but doesn’t, and here we had one of Adelaide’s hardest coppers overseeing the production, the Honorable Feltus himself!

But what we want to know is where is the pullover? The ‘brown knitted pullover as per page 39 para: Clothing.

This is a major letdown but we still score GF 10 out of 10 because it’s unwise to upset coppers over trivialities, even retired ones.

Number 10

Yes, it’s Pavel Fedosimov aka The Somerton Man as has been proved beyond reasonable doubt by a blogger whose name escapes me for the moment. However it does rhyme with disclaimer and it shouldn’t surprise anyone if the bloke responsible for putting him up goes right ahead and does that before the laughter becomes too prolonged.

Score minus 10 out of 10  .. but thanks for the giggle whoever you are.

Number 11

What do you reckon, two for the price of one but it’s the chap on the left that holds our interest this time. We’re looking at a stone killer here. Plus he’s had a bleach job done on his hair and if you can find out DA’s phone number I’ll ring and ask him why he ordered the variation.  Spacey blue eyes though, killer gaze. Seems like the psychopathic look is a hit with a lot of these blokes.

Score 3 out of 10 .. too butch.

Number 12

Here he is, the man in white lovingly landscaped by the most venerable Paul Lawson. How proud he was of this work and rightly so. But why was it necessary? And how happy were the poor bastards who were rostered on every day to make sure Lawson didn’t pinch a tooth or something for a souvenir. The Adelaide Morgue wasn’t that salubrious an establishment and being about as big as a double garage meant getting away from the dead body stink would have been a major operation.

Score 8 out of 10 .. colour would have helped.

Number 13

Woof !! How sleek is this dude? And who’s responsible for the hair? Strange how so many of those responsible for the above images like to go the staring eyes route, I mean, they’re drawing a bloke who got killed, not the guy who killed him. Something badly wrong with their mission statements here, a little undisciplined if you know what I mean, but then artists are either boozers or smoke hounds so what’s to expect.

Score 4 out of 10 .. and he had an old suntan on his legs, not his face  ..  geez.

Number 14

It had to happen. Someone’s put up a pic that looks nothing at all like our man but it still got airtime. Maybe the ears in the left pic are almost ok but everything else is so wrong it might as well be a pic of Vernon Redbukmlatte who went missing in upper Silesia in 1743 while he was hunting striped marmosets.

Score 1 out of 10 .. he tried.

Number 15

Heh heh heh  … when you’re not sure you’ve got the right bloke what’s next best to do but smudge up the pic and add a little colour, nobody will know the difference. But we do and that’s old Pavel popping up again.

Score 0 out of 10 … and pull the other one.

Number 16

This is good. We like it. Compared to the others it’s down and dirty plus he looks a little pissed off at being dumped on the beach when all he wanted to do was roll into town and take his babe out for dinner somewhere. Dinner being a pasty. Life sucks, eh?

Score 8 out of 10  .. we see hurt here.

Number 17

I don’t know about you but we see something like someone has been marking up some micro-writing on our man’s face, either that or he’s been sliced and diced for market. Then again, it comes out of New Scientist so what do you expect, accuracy?

Score 3 out of 10 .. really?

Number 18

I’m not kidding. I googled up Tamam Shud Somerton Man images and got this. It’s a very eerie pic, unsettling, but it’s our man – check ears and nose.

And could somebody shut the window, I feel an icy breath down the back of my neck.

Score 8 out of 10  … brrrrrrrrrr

By the way, if anyone is upset about the non-accreditation on some of these pics they can go ahead and sue me. Ok?

4 Comments Post a comment
  1. пожалуйста #

    черт возьми, Pete. That rogues’ gallery is enough to give anyone nightmares.

    October 21, 2020
  2. Clive #

    I suppose the eternal question in this case is why? Why go to all that trouble to make a plaster cast 6 months after he had departed this life? If Patrick Durham had taken enough photos, the day after the body was found, why didn’t his photos suffice? Perhaps Durham took photos of somebody else at the morgue and confusion reigned, so, the police, in their wisdom covered themselves by PL’s cast or, is that a too far fetched theory?

    October 21, 2020
    • It looks like an exercise in vanity, Clive, if the case had been solved somebody would have come out a hero. My money is on Leane, he had a lot to live up to with his father’s war record.

      October 21, 2020
  3. пожалуйста #

    Regarding no.12: the green-gilled plod watching over our resident artiste in Adelaide’s balmy and fragrant charnel house didn’t do a great job according to spymaster Kramer’s recent cable.

    Apparently Lawson was not only able to nick a few strands of hair while on the job, but also to later indulge in what Sir Oliver Lacon of the Cabinet Office might describe as a “ludicrous piece of private enterprise” in having it “analysed”.

    We await a full report from our temporarily inconvenienced Joe, I believe.

    October 21, 2020

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