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The Somerton Tribes.

We show no mercy in our struggle for supremacy .. we fight for believers without favour, asking nothing but absolute conversion to our own cause. Nation against nation, countryman against countryman. A fight to the death.

We are brutal in our dismissal of competing beliefs, regarding them as foolish utterings and holding their adherents as lacking in all respects.

So, in order to help the uninitiated understand this lamentable state of affairs, we feel an explanation might be helpful.


The English Pellingnites.

A tribe domiciled in the northern hemisphere; pale of skin and short of hair. Literate, not inclined to physical exercise and well-read. Hissy in battle. They hold that the dead man (SM) was a criminal who was positively identified by his criminal colleagues. They knew him, they said, then slid away from the spotlight, unwilling to be subject of any scrutiny. Totally understandable.

Conclusion: SM was a lowlife. Nationality unknown.


The Queensland Cramerites.

An obstinate tribe of softly-spoken believers and near paranoid non-drinkers who hold SM was of espionage bent; a cunning interloper tasked with obtaining secrets of great national importance for distribution to unfriendly nations. The Cramerites have gone to great lengths to make known their beliefs and flourish voluminous works of reference in support.

Conclusion: SM was a foreign snake-in-the-grass. Nationality unknown.


The South Australian Abbottites.

Led by a learned Professor, they are the largest army of belligerents on the battlefield and one that has infiltrated many areas of influence in the non-warring societies. A patient army, they lie in wait while others battle, sure of their ground, ready to claim victory when the time is right.

Conclusion: SM was family. The proof will emerge.


The Simpson Desert Devesonites.

Led by an aesthetic hermit who uses knowledge as his sword. Known to recite an enemy’s entire genealogy in the time it takes to severe his head. The only man known to be able to smell uranium in its natural state. Trustworthy in other respects. Knows rocks intimately. Has smooth hands.

Conclusion: SM was a prospector known to practice ballet when he wasn’t stealing cars.


The Canadian Miscarites.

A mysterious tribe of arctic mountain dwellers known to disappear for long periods of time only to emerge in deadly engagement when others are at rest. Volatile in battle and expert in using their native weaponry. A blood sister to some. A vociferous enemy to others.

Conclusion: Not available at the time of publication.


The Can Tho Sandersites.

Well versed in battle, hardened to penury and pain, lucid in command and merciless in fire-fights they scrap without pause, knowing their opponent is more likely to expire of exhaustion before falling into one of their cunningly devised tiger-pits. Drinkers to a man and known to inhabit places of disrepute between battles.

Conclusion: Not available at the time of publication.


The Australian Duderites.

A vociferous band of fighters with a total and unstinting belief in the words of their illustrious founder, number 47, a man steadfast in the heat of battle, not known to have ever taken a step backwards. Clear-headed and resolute. Bloody-minded.

Conclusion: SM was a BLOODY CAR THIEF .. ! OK? And his BLOODY NAME WAS KEANE .. !!!


The South Australian Milongalites.

A mysterious band who appear to be peace-loving and docile as they approach their opponents’ barricades, but who are armed with more weapons than they have been given credit for. Known to overcome their foes in a more reasonable manner than most, leaving only a few casualties. Urbane and wordy.

Conclusion: Inconclusive at the time of publication.


The Russian Пожалуйста – ites

A congenial breed of foreign born fighters with no known propensity for battle, yet. Known to hover on the outskirts of the battlefield under a non-combatant flag which is in itself an enigma. Articulate planners, multi-lingual. Weirdly named. Suspected to be a phantom force who’s mission is to report back on any substantial advances made by the Cramerite battalions.

Conclusion: Я не могу сказать, comrade.


The Australian Cliverites.

A steady band of traditional warriors, trustworthy and generally non-aligned, yet able, it is rumoured, to fight with a deadly cunning when the turn of battle warrants their sturdy participation. A friend of nearly all nations. Astute and well-meaning. Rumoured to be SAS trained.

Conclusion: Not available at the time of publication.


The petedavorites.

A renowned tribe of intelligence-gatherers known to move with stealthy ease from tribe to tribe. Suspected but not proved to carry a large array of weaponry under their robes of passive compliance. Can lull an opponent to sleep before pouncing.

Conclusion: Not available at the time of publication.


The Lithuanian Smithrites.

A mysterious tribe of wandering combatants, known to appear unexpectedly and slaughter indiscriminately. Wearers of bear-skins and able to talk obscure dialects. Their alliances are unknown as are their precedents. What is not generally known is that they regard SM’s grave as ‘kenotaf’ – I have this from impeccable sources.

Conclusion: Nepatikėtum.


The South Australian Feltusites.

A veteran force with too many victories to count but prone to withdrawal at inopportune times. Known to be an arms dealer to some irregular armies. Undying enemy of the Abbottites. Has fought long and successfully under the auspices and influence of Sun Tsu. One of the most decorated fighters of his faction and has widespread support. Formidable in battle. Not the best opponent to engage given his massive resources.


header pic is by my neighbour John Beeman, who was responsible for this:

Which he painted after reading this:


John Beeman, his work.


11 Comments Post a comment
  1. John Smith #

    In the description of my tribe may to be little addition about their religion: “Believe that grave of SM is kenotaf…”. As in conclusion 🙂

    March 18, 2020
  2. Пожалуйста #

    Я не скажу тебе о главном.

    March 18, 2020
  3. Clive #

    Not sure about SAS, more likely SOS!

    March 18, 2020
    • I’ve heard different, Clive, more like fists of fury ..

      March 18, 2020
  4. dude47 #

    The Duderites are like a barnacle stuck to the SM ship. My feelings in regards to the long awaited acknowledgement of the courage and dogged pursuit of truth that has been the hallmark of the Duderites are simple “bout time”.

    March 18, 2020
    • We are humble in your presence, 47, and eager to play a small part of your victory parade.

      March 18, 2020
  5. Пожалуйста #

    The dude abides.

    March 18, 2020
  6. Most entertaining. I was hoping that you’d do me, and you did. I sincerely hope that everyones makes it through this bloody virus. If you want to feel better, I’d recommend the diaries of Samuel Pepys. At least the diseases of merry old England makes today seem like a walk in the Park. A small consolation.

    March 24, 2020
  7. john sanders #

    The Cramerites being of a more complex pscyche must be seen as being a uniquely distinct species; more like say Ted Bundy, CCK or perhaps the ‘American Psycho’ character (without the gore?). Getting to the point our former friend and confidant has all the defined requisits of your average type two Psychopath. Flattering and likeable to a fault in their personal liasons, then scheming and cruely calculating with any who dare to question theirword, uncompromising and immune to critisism, and totally unconcerned that their actions might offend or that they should make any apologies for the hurt he inflicted. The Cramerite does not see the need to be truthful in usual discourse or that they should be called to task in any of their dishonest acts which to them are simply justified by their superior intellect and therefore sacrosanct…This analysis is my own opinion and should not be taken as being necessarily condoned by the moderator or other contributors to this site.

    March 24, 2020

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